The "Golden Rules" of Search
The following are a few tips to bear in mind which have been mainstays
for those who have walked this path before you.
BE DISCREET
- Remember, you must strive to maintain your birth family's
confidentiality while searching. Your birth mother may never have told
anyone about her situation. Your objective is to try to contact her directly,
without letting anyone else guess why you want to get in touch with her.
Sometimes it is necessary to tell part or all of your story, but in general, it is
best to try not to breach anothers' privacy during search. Of course, you
have to talk to somebody about this...its all so exciting and somewhat
frightening, and even frustrating at times. With luck, your family and
friends are supportive, but whether they are or not, its a good idea to contact
your local search/support group, and get out and meet or correspond with
others in the same situation.
HOMEWORK FIRST, QUESTIONS LATER
Do your research and you will
be rewarded! DO NOT get on the phone and call every listing you can
find under your birth surname (see above). Gather as much information
as you can using your non-identifying information and birth name along
with public records (details of search techniques will be added to this page
as soon as possible). You will save yourself much time and energy by
collecting and sorting data first, and you won't get far if you inadvertently
contact someone who decides to "protect" you or the person you seek by
giving you the wrong information. Many people have gone on "wild goose
chases" after hastily jumping to conclusions. Once you've done your research,
you'll be in a much better position to ask the right person the right
question and find out what you need to know.
KEEP A RECORD-
Get a book or binder and keep track of everything
you do in your efforts to further your search. Some of us are fortunate,
and our searches are completed quickly and quite simply. Others will
find that they are overloaded with information, and can't remember exactly
when they placed a particular phone call, or what they found out at the
library six weeks ago.
WRITE IT DOWN CLEARLY IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER.
You'll thank yourself for doing so over and over again, and the details
of your search, the "pieces of the puzzle" will be much easier to
decipher.
READ EVERYTHING YOU CAN FIND
on adoption/reunion check with others
on adoption chat lines or at your local public or university library.
There is a wealth of information out there, and you can gain valuable
insight on the process of search and begin to prepare for reunion by
reading about others' experiences. A recommended reading list will be
added to this page as soon as time permits. Meanwhile, Betty Jean Lifton's
Journey of the Adopted Self (1994) is a great place to begin.
RETURN to the main page.